“A wise woman builds her house,” counsels an ancient proverb. This old adage voices a truth that is still relevant in the 21st century – a strong, healthy family takes work. There are three basic building blocks needed for a happy home.
Emotional Security
“Family is not an important thing. It’s everything,” said actor Michael J. Fox. The prosperous modern world has discovered that material wealth often fails to bring happiness. The source of true joy and contentment is actually close, intimate relationships with family and friends. Yet, to achieve such closeness requires a person to drop their guard with each other. This vulnerability will only occur when a person feels emotionally secure with the other person.
The key component of emotional security is the assurance that the other person is committed to the spouse, parent, or child. When a person gives unconditional love to a spouse or child, a safe place is created for strong, caring families to grow. On the other hand, if love is only given to another person when he or she measures up to certain requirements, insecurity is sown in the home. The result is a family filled with fear, anxiety, and distrust.
A simple way to build emotional security into a home is to give regular positive affirmation and reassurance verbally. One family counselor decided to do this for his own family. The next Christmas morning he presented a gift to his wife and children. It was a handsome plaque which promised his unconditional love to always be his gift to them. The family displayed the inscription on a prominent wall in the home as a constant reminder that their home would be a place of emotional security and love.
Authentic Communication
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place,” said George Bernard Shaw. This is the situation in this day of many advanced forms of communications. People think they are communicating, but actual authentic interpersonal communication has dwindled in many homes. Professor Clifton Chadwick found that fathers spend only seven minutes a day talking to their children. “You cannot shape and form your children in seven minutes a day,” he concluded. A fearful child, a troubled teen, or a depressed spouse needs more than superficial talk. The happy home requires authentic communication.
Genuine and meaningful communication requires three important ingredients. First, family members must be good listeners. Second, spouses and children need to convey a sense of openness, allowing each other to talk about matters important to them. For example, husbands should listen to their wives’ plans, hopes and dreams concerning future events for the family. Though logical-minded men may dismiss these talks as unimportant “daydreams,” researchers have discovered the opposite. They have found that women gain more enjoyment out of discussing plans for future vacations and holidays than the actual events themselves. Finally, time is needed for satisfying communication to take place. Experts recommend couples spend a minimum of sixty minutes talking each day.
The fast pace of modern life can make it difficult to maintain good communication within a home. This means family members will have to make personal interaction a priority. “Talk in the car; turn the TV off and eat dinner together; schedule informal or formal family meetings to talk about important issues that affect your family; and talk to your children at bedtime,” advises Dr. Rick Peterson, Assistant Professor of Human Development at Virginia Tech University.
Physical Touch
A final building block of happy homes is caring physical touch. From the earliest age, touch plays an important part in healthy families. Babies are caressed, patted, rocked, and kissed by parents and siblings as they provide love and nurture to the infant. This need for touch never goes away. Relationship experts have found that eight to twelve meaningful touches are necessary for maintaining a strong marriage.
While the benefit of touch to the person receiving the hug or caress is well-known, research has found that the giver also benefits. In one study, students were assigned to give five non-sexual hugs each day to as many different people as possible. Another group of students were assigned to give no hugs. After a month, the group of huggers were tested and found to be happier.
“The most important thing in the world is family and love,” said the legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden. This man who experienced fame and fortune from winning ten national championships, knew that the truly important success was building a happy home.
